Peter King has his Fine Fifteen, ESPN has its own composite power rankings, and the legendary Dr. Z’s weekly power rankings were a must-read until he was stricken silent by a stroke last year. So, why can’t TBL get in on the fun? Here’s the sixth installment of the 2009 NFL in-season power rankings, featuring the most powerful being in the known universe, Mila Kunis:
1. New Orleans Saints (6-0): There really isn’t any praise left in the can at this point, is there? Alright, I’ll try and add some: The Saints, after six weeks, are the Kristin Kreuk of the NFL. I know of no higher praise I can bestow.
2. Indianapolis Colts (5-0): Remember prior to the NFL’s 2007 season kickoff when that Colts-Saints opener was being billed as a Super Bowl preview? Two years later, it may finally come to fruition, with the Week Six Champion Saints opening as three-point favorites. I’ll take the points (and this t-shirt).
3. Minnesota Vikings (6-0): Every successful NFL team requires a little bit of luck along the way. Matt Stover wouldn’t have missed a 45-yarder indoors. This Vikings’ victory sponsored by Kurtis Blow.
4. Denver Broncos (6-0): Donconation is alive with the sounds of “Eat it, Cutler!” Maybe the Broncos don’t need a supremely-talented malcontent at the helm; maybe a moderately-talented, even-keeled QB (with a surprisingly stout defense behind him) is the better match at Mile High.
5. New York Giants (5-1): Should we even write about these frauds? They haven’t played anybody worth a damn. They got waxed by the Saints. What’s that, they’re 21-5 since the start of the 2007 playoffs? So what, live in the now! If it didn’t happen this week, it doesn’t matter, dammit!
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2): Anybody else who isn’t a Steelers fan just a tad nervous about the champions scuttling below the radar thus far? I don’t know what the futures odds are on the Steelers being the AFC’s Super Bowl representative, but it might be worth looking into. [Ed. Jeff Reed is the greatest.]
7. New England Patriots (4-2): You have to admire Bill Belichick. He no doubt watched the second half of last week’s Colts-Titans game, saw that Tennessee had packed it in for the year, then used the first 30 minutes of Sunday’s game as a Tom Brady confidence builder and to announce to the rest of the league that the Patriots are still relevant. When a team’s secondary is injury-stricken and inept, go for the throat. Belichick is The Terminator, 1984 version. By the way, this is must-read stuff.
8. Atlanta Falcons (4-1): Matt Ryan is just so cerebral! He’s like a young Peyton Manning! He…still throws quite a few balls he shouldn’t. Ryan currently is like The Empire Strikes Back’s Luke Skywalker. For the Falcons to be Super Bowl contenders they need him to turn into Return of the Jedi’s Vader-mashing Luke Skywalker, green lightsaber and all. I fucking love Star Wars.
9: Green Bay Packers (3-2): The Packers controlled the ball for a Dolphins-esque 40 minutes against the Lions Sunday and crushed them 26-0. One point of concern: four drives ended in field goals instead of TD’s.
10. Baltimore Ravens (3-3): The Ravens have one of the most well-balanced offenses in the league and their front seven still inspires fear and respect. Unfortunately, other than perennial Pro Bowler Ed Reed, their secondary’s about as scary as Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.
11. Chicago Bears (3-2): Here lies Orlando Pace (1997-2005), seven-time Pro Bowler, three-time All Pro, first-ballot Hall of Famer and third-greatest left tackle of his generation (behind Jonathan Ogden and Walter Jones). Memo to Chris Collinsworth: grabbing a pass rusher by the neck as he’s whizzing by you and wrangling him to the turf is not a pancake - it’s holding.
12. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2): This is why you never compliment a Marvin Lewis-coached team. The Bengals are the NFL’s David Caruso. Don’t pay them any attention and they just might surprise you with a quality performance (see NYPD Blue, season one. O/T: Who made that video? Cripes.). Praise them and they’ll shit on your chest and laugh as it runs down your abdomen (see the rest of Caruso’s career).
13. Arizona Cardinals (3-2): Speaking of Jesus…
14. Dallas Cowboys (3-2): The Cowboys had the best bye week in the history of evar. The Giants got waxed, the Eagles were beaten by the Hotel California, that Washington team continued its terribleness and Tony Romo’s jersey was retired.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2): Donovan McNabb: good, sometimes great, QB, but not someone you want taking your SAT’s.
16. Houston Texans (3-3): Matt Schaub has thrown for more TD passes than anyone in the NFL and, don’t look now, but the Texans just might be fringe playoff contenders.
17. San Francisco 49ers (3-2): The Niners sat home Sunday and watched the Titans’ debacle against the Patriots, breathing a sigh of relief as they ceded the distinction of worst 2009 collective team effort. And then this movie came on and they felt like shit again.
18. Miami Dolphins (2-3): Tony Sparano spent his bye week here, honing his craft. No other NFL coach is on his level there.
19. San Diego Chargers (2-2): Like a film in the HBO2 rotation, we’ve seen this before. Chargers start slow, appear to be in shambles, then roar back to make the playoffs and upset the Colts. Only this season, Jamal Williams is gone, the Broncos are for real, Kenton Keith is history and there’ll be no home playoff games on a technicality.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): One week they show flashes of respectability, the next they show why they need to keep choppin’ wood. A 7-9 or 8-8 finish may save Del Rio’s job. Who says they don’t have anything to play for?
21. Buffalo Bills (2-4): After Mark Sanchez’s fifth INT all but handed the Bills the game Sunday, 98 percent of TBL commenters joined virtual hands and sang this in unison.
22. New York Jets (3-3): Glancing over Roland Emmerich’s pristine CV, there isn’t a misfire in the bunch. It contains such cinematic classics as Joey, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, 10,000 B.C. and the most-anticipated film of the year, 2012.
23. Seattle Seahawks (2-4): [Picture of a latte]
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4): Q: How bad does one have to be for a 17-28 for 224 yards with two picks performance to be considered a “breakout” game? A: Unfathomably awful.
25. Carolina Panthers (2-3): Jake Delhere’stheball’s season passer rating: 56.8, with 4 TD’s against 10 INT’s. Things could be worse.
26. Detroit Lions (1-5): Matthew Stafford is a devious one, I tell ya. He figured out how to take the lead in this year’s rookie QB derby - sit out. Very cerebral.
27. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5): The Chiefs held on against the hapless BurntEpidermises, recording the first 2009 season victory by a Missouri-based professional football team. With bragging rights like those, who needs trophies?
28. Cleveland Browns (1-5): The ManKoks! have now dropped 12 consecutive to the Steelers. At least Pittsburgh’s four turnovers kept this one respectable. As respectable as it gets in Cleveland these days. Please stay, LeBron.
29. Washington Redskins (2-4): BurntEpidermis fans don’t deserve this. If the government can step in and bail out banks and insurance companies, why the hell can’t they wrest Washington’s NFL franchise from the grips of Scrooge McDuck?
30. St. Louis Rams (0-6): The good news is that the winless Rams took the Jaguars to overtime before losing. The bad news is they allowed almost 500 yards and would’ve been blown out if not for some careless Jags’ turnovers. Progress lies in the eye of the beholder.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6): Does anyone else wonder if David Mamet is scripting Raheem Morris’s post-game press conferences? His breakneck streams of dialogue must be hell for reporters to transcribe.
32. Tennessee Titans (0-6): Maybe no team in NFL history has ever quit as spectacularly as the Titans have over their past six quarters of play. Calling it perhaps the most pathetic display of competition in NFL history wouldn’t be hyperbole. But this would.
